The Holidays can be a tricky time to navigate. There are no shortage of feelings from soft and fuzzy, hot and cold, love and doubts. As the year comes to a close, we often reflect on where we were a year ago and see if we’re happy with our progress. We start to mull around resolution ideas like picking up that gym membership again, or maybe just hitting the “reset” button all together with some type of cleanse.
It’s been an interesting month for me. It’s been my most successful financially this year, with my vending opportunities really helping me see how Stardust & Co.(ven)* can actually make a significant contribution to my income. I also haven’t been home for most of the month, which can be exciting and unsettling at the same time. (I miss my bathtub!)
This displacement can often cause me to retreat, both physically and emotionally. I find myself daydreaming often, making it difficult for me to really focus. Normally, the holidays bring me so much warmth and joy – the first peppermint lattes, holiday blend coffee, the smell of douglas fir, decorating the tree, watching Charlie Brown Christmas and listening to Vince Guarauldi on repeat. But this time, December just feels like another month to me, until I catch a whiff of pine outside Trader Joe’s, and for a moment am back in that joy.
What I think may be happening is my heart is just aching. I’m missing close friends and feeling out of sync with them – they’re somewhere out there making new friends and new jokes, and I’m feeling old and tired and forgotten. And there’s someone I can’t seem to stop thinking about who’s been in my heart and mind for a while and it feels as though those feelings have just amplified. I’m in this constant state of elation and doubt – will it ever happen? Will I ever experience that deep, all-consuming relationship with someone?
And while this is where my head and heart are currently, I know that these thoughts and feelings are mere distractions from seeing myself as “the one” and really choosing to value my self worth. I heard recently someone’s affirmation, “I am all that I need,” and have decided to make it my own.
So while I recognize that what’s really happening is I’m, at the moment, failing to see my own worth and seeking outside validation, I know that it’s all part of the experience of learning to love myself.
And what does learning to love myself look like? It’s looking in the mirror and liking what I see. It’s knowing and feeling attractive, rather than waiting and hoping to be noticed. It’s making things okay when I’m being hard on myself. It’s forgiving myself and letting go.
So for this holiday and new year, my intention is to focus inward instead of outward. To free myself of doubts and insecurities, to be my strongest most confident self. If you’re reading this, I encourage you in joining me in this resolution: to be in self-love.