Maybe you’re single and ready to mingle, in a relationship, or hiding all together; either way, you’ve probably been disappointed by Valentine’s Day at some point in your life. But rather than hate on this day of love, you can do something kind of radical — be your own Valentine. And before you start violently vomiting, keep reading…
So, what does it even mean to be your own valentine? To me, it’s about connecting to your own love for yourself. We’re constantly looking outward for love and acceptance. And while it may feel great to have some romance going on in your life, it can also be a huge distraction, especially if things aren’t always going as planned. This is when looking inward for love is key, after all, love is an inside job and everything else can be considered outside validation.
These past few weeks have really got me thinking about love and relationships, particularly about creating attachments to certain people. I recently heard that there isn’t really a “right” or “just enough” level of attachment; only you can truly know what feels healthy for you. But dependency, and placing your love and happiness as the responsibility of someone else isn’t good either — so what’s a “healthy” level of attachment?
When my thoughts are consumed by finding love outwardly, it’s like a gut-wrenching euphoria. There are high highs, like spending the day/night with someone you really like and low lows, like driving yourself crazy thinking about why they’re not trying to contact you. And there are those people that we long to be with and have the potential to devastate you entirely, and they can keep you from pursuing new, healthy relationships. And when pursuing a new relationship, it almost feels like a game; don’t be too available, needy, wait until he texts, etc. even though you’ve spent most the day thinking about them. Utterly. Fucking. Distracting.
We could just accept this for what it is — finding a romantic partner who wants more than just to see you naked is fucking hard. Or, we could look inward and ask ourselves, “what is it I’m trying to fulfill inside myself right now?” Are you giving yourself the love that you deserve? If someone were to ask, “do you love yourself?” what are your initial thoughts? Because even if you hesitate for a moment, there’s work to be done.
What is the work, you ask? It starts with looking in the mirror — literally, and telling yourself how much you love you. It’s writing a list of what you love about yourself. It’s, instead of obsessing over what someone else is doing, asking yourself what you can focus on instead that’ll help you reach your own personal goals. It’s noticing when your mind wanders, when you’re looking at your phone a little too much, and asking yourself why you’re looking for a distraction and what you’re possibly telling yourself that isn’t actually true.
So this year, I ask that you ditch the expectations that come with the traditional Valentine’s Day experience. Instead of waiting for someone to love and validate you and make plans for you, you can be your own Valentine. Some of my favorite Valentine’s Days were spent being single, and many of my most disappointing Valentine’s Days actually happened when I was in a relationship and my boyfriend didn’t meet my expectations. So I invite you to join me in practicing self-love this Valentine’s Day (and what the hell, every day) and buy yourself the flowers, hang out with like-minded friends, make yourself dinner, put on something nice and grab coffee, take a bath, etc. and just do YOU — your Valentine’s Day experience will be 100% better.
xo,
Ilana