Sometimes I drink, smoke, eat unhealthily, and move infrequently. I don’t change out of my pj’s for the day, don’t brush my teeth in the morning, and don’t eat until 3pm, running on just my bulletproof coffee from the morning. I dive straight into work, make myself anxious, drive when I shouldn’t, and make mistakes. I lose clients, I tell myself it’s all my fault, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I can’t seem to tell that annoying voice inside of my head to shut the fuck up!
You’re probably familiar with the voice – the one that tells you you’re no good, you’ve fucked up again, you’re a failure, and a total loser. You’ll never have the job, house, or relationship you want. You’ll never have enough money, and you might as well settle for what you deserve, which is nothing. Life is unfair, hard, and full of challenges.
And while I have had many days like these, where I feel little a heaping pile of shit. I have just as many incredible days that remind me of my purpose. Those little things can be as small as listening to a new song from my favorite band, Grizzly Bear, or getting my ass out of bed and walking straight to the beach from my apartment, coffee and self-improvement audiobook in hand (currently listening to “You’re a Badass” by Jen Sincero), or shopping at my favorite store, Trader Joe’s. And then, I start to realize, oh wait this isn’t bad. I’m okay, I’m doing my best, I did something for “me” today, even if all I did was turn on my himalayan salt lamp or essential oil diffuser.
Suddenly, I catch a glimpse of compassion for the girl who drank too much last night and made a fool of herself, or the girl who didn’t do shit yesterday. I’m doing my best, and the trajectory is still going upward.
When I think of where I was just 5 years ago, I was stuck in a full-time job, killing time every day. I felt my soul being crushed, and on top of that I fell ill with Lyme disease. I was so depressed each day, and getting out of bed was a daily struggle. I drank almost every night to “wind down” and couldn’t connect in my relationships.
Am I saying life is perfect now? Fuck no. But I’m making better choices each day, even on days I “fuck up.” Growth is a choice we make each day to step out and tune in. It’s not for the weak because it means putting yourself out there to face possible rejection. But the alternative is just small and soul crushing. When you’re comfortable, you’re not growing.
So if you struggle like me and fall off the wagon, the best thing you can do is just forgive yourself, and have so much compassion for the real you, because she kind of rocks.