Tag: Self-Love

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Be Your Own Valentine

Maybe you’re single and ready to mingle, in a relationship, or hiding all together; either way, you’ve probably been disappointed by Valentine’s Day at some point in your life. But rather than hate on this day of love, you can do something kind of radical — be your own Valentine. And before you start violently vomiting, keep reading…

So, what does it even mean to be your own valentine? To me, it’s about connecting to your own love for yourself. We’re constantly looking outward for love and acceptance. And while it may feel great to have some romance going on in your life, it can also be a huge distraction, especially if things aren’t always going as planned. This is when looking inward for love is key, after all, love is an inside job and everything else can be considered outside validation.

These past few weeks have really got me thinking about love and relationships, particularly about creating attachments to certain people. I recently heard that there isn’t really a “right” or “just enough” level of attachment; only you can truly know what feels healthy for you. But dependency, and placing your love and happiness as the responsibility of someone else isn’t good either — so what’s a “healthy” level of attachment?

When my thoughts are consumed by finding love outwardly, it’s like a gut-wrenching euphoria. There are high highs, like spending the day/night with someone you really like and low lows, like driving yourself crazy thinking about why they’re not trying to contact you. And there are those people that we long to be with and have the potential to devastate you entirely, and they can keep you from pursuing new, healthy relationships. And when pursuing a new relationship, it almost feels like a game; don’t be too available, needy, wait until he texts, etc. even though you’ve spent most the day thinking about them. Utterly. Fucking. Distracting.

We could just accept this for what it is — finding a romantic partner who wants more than just to see you naked is fucking hard. Or, we could look inward and ask ourselves, “what is it I’m trying to fulfill inside myself right now?” Are you giving yourself the love that you deserve? If someone were to ask, “do you love yourself?” what are your initial thoughts? Because even if you hesitate for a moment, there’s work to be done.

What is the work, you ask? It starts with looking in the mirror — literally, and telling yourself how much you love you. It’s writing a list of what you love about yourself. It’s, instead of obsessing over what someone else is doing, asking yourself what you can focus on instead that’ll help you reach your own personal goals. It’s noticing when your mind wanders, when you’re looking at your phone a little too much, and asking yourself why you’re looking for a distraction and what you’re possibly telling yourself that isn’t actually true.

So this year, I ask that you ditch the expectations that come with the traditional Valentine’s Day experience. Instead of waiting for someone to love and validate you and make plans for you, you can be your own Valentine. Some of my favorite Valentine’s Days were spent being single, and many of my most disappointing Valentine’s Days actually happened when I was in a relationship and my boyfriend didn’t meet my expectations. So I invite you to join me in practicing self-love this Valentine’s Day (and what the hell, every day) and buy yourself the flowers, hang out with like-minded friends, make yourself dinner, put on something nice and grab coffee, take a bath, etc. and just do YOU — your Valentine’s Day experience will be 100% better.

xo,

Ilana

 

 

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In Self-Love

The Holidays can be a tricky time to navigate. There are no shortage of feelings from soft and fuzzy, hot and cold, love and doubts. As the year comes to a close, we often reflect on where we were a year ago and see if we’re happy with our progress. We start to mull around resolution ideas like picking up that gym membership again, or maybe just hitting the “reset” button all together with some type of cleanse.

It’s been an interesting month for me. It’s been my most successful financially this year, with my vending opportunities really helping me see how Stardust & Co.(ven)* can actually make a significant contribution to my income. I also haven’t been home for most of the month, which can be exciting and unsettling at the same time. (I miss my bathtub!)

This displacement can often cause me to retreat, both physically and emotionally. I find myself daydreaming often, making it difficult for me to really focus. Normally, the holidays bring me so much warmth and joy – the first peppermint lattes, holiday blend coffee, the smell of douglas fir, decorating the tree, watching Charlie Brown Christmas and listening to Vince Guarauldi on repeat. But this time, December just feels like another month to me, until I catch a whiff of pine outside Trader Joe’s, and for a moment am back in that joy.

What I think may be happening is my heart is just aching. I’m missing close friends and feeling out of sync with them – they’re somewhere out there making new friends and new jokes, and I’m feeling old and tired and forgotten. And there’s someone I can’t seem to stop thinking about who’s been in my heart and mind for a while and it feels as though those feelings have just amplified. I’m in this constant state of elation and doubt – will it ever happen? Will I ever experience that deep, all-consuming relationship with someone?

And while this is where my head and heart are currently, I know that these thoughts and feelings are mere distractions from seeing myself as “the one” and really choosing to value my self worth. I heard recently someone’s affirmation, “I am all that I need,” and have decided to make it my own.

So while I recognize that what’s really happening is I’m, at the moment, failing to see my own worth and seeking outside validation, I know that it’s all part of the experience of learning to love myself.

And what does learning to love myself look like? It’s looking in the mirror and liking what I see. It’s knowing and feeling attractive, rather than waiting and hoping to be noticed. It’s making things okay when I’m being hard on myself. It’s forgiving myself and letting go.

So for this holiday and new year, my intention is to focus inward instead of outward. To free myself of doubts and insecurities, to be my strongest most confident self. If you’re reading this, I encourage you in joining me in this resolution: to be in self-love.

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Spiritualized and Realized: My Weekend at Desert Daze Music Festival

Stardust And Stoned at Desert Daze

The weekend of October 12-15, Stardust & Stoned headed to the desert for the annual Desert Daze music festival at the Institute of Mentalphysics in Joshua Tree. And as the Eagles of Death Metal pointed out on Sunday, not many of us knew what “Mentalphysics” was, but we were sure ready to experience it.

As vendors working together with the help of our good friend Heidi, Rachel of Stoned by Operahippy and I unloaded our merchandise with an open mind and heart — this weekend would be a huge experiment as first time vendors, and we were just happy to be along for the ride.

I was pulling double duty this year as a vendor and press, covering the festival for mxdwn.com and boy was I in for a wakeup call. I didn’t spend much time at the vending tent, as from 2pm on I was back and forth catching all the bands. As you can imagine, by the time Sunday had rolled around I was exhausted. Not only was I assisting with setting up the vending booth each morning, I was writing my daily recaps for mxdwn and then heading out in the heat again to catch another full day of bands.

And while there were definitely some spiritual, high vibe experiences catching the music with bands like Holy Wave, L.A. Witch, Iggy Pop, Twin Peaks, Hope Sandoval and the Warm Inventions, Spiritualized and more, by the time the final day rolled around, the heat during the day and freezing night temps were making me feel like I was constantly on the verge of getting sick. I was so worn out from the weekend, by the time I caught my final set of the festival, a dreamy, romantic performance from Cigarettes After Sex, the combination of the lyrics, music, couples holding each other, and just the fact that it was over had me in tears.

I’m proud of myself and my team of amazing women for all we accomplished in the weekend, but it was also a huge wakeup call for me. I spread myself way too thin, and vowed to not do that again, and to also look at the other areas in my life in which I spread myself too thin on a regular basis.

When I got home, I finished up my last article, had some really great food and got into the bath, thanking my tired legs and feet for all they did for me this weekend.

What are some ways you are spreading yourself too thin? Do you maybe say yes to things you know you’ll regret later, or that may be too much? Do you try to please everyone?

This week, I challenge you to make sure the person you’re pleasing if yourself. Look into the future scenario of all the tasks you want to accept; how will it play out? If it seems like too much, it probably is.

Stardust And Stoned at Desert Daze

Stardust And Stoned at Desert Daze

Cigarettes After Sex at Desert Daze

You can check out my daily recaps of Desert Daze 2017 for mxdwn here:

Desert Daze 2017 Festival Day One Review Featuring Courtney Barnett, Kurt Vile, Ariel Pink and More

Desert Daze 2017 Festival Day Two Review Featuring Iggy Pop, Sleep, John Cale and More

Desert Daze 2017 Festival Day Three Featuring Spiritualized, Hope Sandoval and the Warm Inventions, Cigarettes After Sex and More

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Living in the Self-Care Moment

Self Love Rose

What comes to mind when you think of “Self-Care?” Do images of yogis, spa days, meditating and face masks come to mind? Or maybe it’s something you rolled your eyes at in the past but are starting to wonder why your self-love-practicing friends are so much happier than you… or maybe you’re still rolling your eyes. It’s okay.

Lately, I have struggled to feel like I’m really “on my self-care game.” I see how all my friends are taking care of themselves by practicing yoga, reading spiritual growth books, attending full moon circles, and just taking the night off. I’ve wondered how they have the time and money for all this… I mean, those weekly self-care massages add up!

But instead of focusing on what others are doing, what I’m NOT doing and what self-care should look like, I chose to re-define or customize what self-care means to me. And THAT way, I’m essentially living in self-care moments throughout the day.

For example, this past week I was in Santa Monica cat sitting. The change of scenery can feel very refreshing; i’d walk to Bristol Farms every day and get ahi poke from the poke bar and a special fizzy drink. I’d wear one of my favorite dresses when I had no where to be and treat myself to some live music — Beach House and Fleet Foxes at the Hollywood Bowl were just incredible. And mentally, I’d bring my attention to my thoughts. What was present and why? How was I choosing to focus my thoughts and was it helpful?

Despite being on my own for the majority of the time while I was there, I didn’t really feel lonely. I channeled my focus forward and thought about everything that was going right in my life. My music journalism is getting better and going further, opportunities for work seem to be coming up and I feel supported by the universe, and in just a couple weeks I’m going to be a vendor at Desert Daze!

And that’s not to say that I don’t have my doubts. I can work myself into a tailspin over money, arguments and negative thoughts. Ups and downs are part of life — it’s being conscious of what’s actually going on in your head that matters.

So, the next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, beating yourself up about not making enough time for self-care, know that it’s different for everyone, and you just have to find and follow what it is that makes you feel your best. Are your thoughts propelling you to move forward? Or are they holding you back? What’s the story you’re telling yourself and what’s the truth?

What’s the future you want to create for yourself, and how will you get there? Do what you gotta do to make it happen because when you make time to stop a check in with yourself, take that walk in the middle of your busy day, or dress up just for yourself you get into the magick zone, and that shit is powerful.